Practice

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For my entire life I have always prided myself as being a people person. I am a chameleon of sorts, able to make a home anywhere or maintain a conversation with anyone. As a daughter of Annie Hollowell I am able to instantly engage people with my humor, charisma, and genuine interest in their stories. While I am bursting with anticipation for that flavorful first breath that occurs when stepping off of a plane into a foreign destination, I mostly look forward to hearing the stories of the people we will encounter. So while I thoroughly enjoy the landscapes that we are navigating, snapping photos and making mental blog posts all along the way, I anticipate that my written entries will better capture the "people-scape" throughout our journeys.

There is the inevitable dilemma of how real to get, I instinctively rebel against self (or spouse) imposed censorship. But for the purposes of this blog I will attempt to avoid my usual scatological language, use code language where appropriate, and simply report how our encounters occur through my eyes (the rest I will save for my book). So taking a page from my community organizer friends in the Vietnamese communities of coastal Mississippi, I will apologize in advance for all of my offenses now and for comparatively delayed blog posts.

Ebony and I first met my Junior year (her Sophomore year) at Jefferson City High School in, you guessed it, Jefferson City, Missouri. She is the sole reason that on my ACT application I marked Xavier University as my second choice for a college, up until that point I swore that I would be a Spellman girl. So I have Ebony to blame for a lifelong love affair with New Orleans.

Of all of my friends, Ebony's marriage is probably the one that I most admire. She met her husband Alfred at Xavier as well, he is now a medical doctor specializing in pediatrics and adult medicine, he is in his final year of residency in Columbia, MO. It was Ebony who enrolled me in the practice of writing out a list of the qualities that I wanted in my future husband, being specific, and revisiting that list later. Years ago I took her advice, and after a few months of dating Hamilton I pulled the list out only to discover that all of the qualities that require the most patience of me (i.e. integrity and inquisitiveness) are the ones at the top of my list. Be careful what you ask for. Ebony and Alfred had 3 children at the time of our visit, as I am writing this post their newest addition Alexander Hezekia Johnson is only a few days old. My godchildren are Zachi age 6, Malachi age 4, and Mackenzie (their only princess) age 2. This is what they always said they wanted as far as the spacing of the children; they wanted 2 boys and 2 girls, however I suspect that Mackenzie will hold up quite well with 3 brothers. Ebony will be 29 in October a few days after my birthday.

I've really enjoyed watching and quizzing our friends about their parenting styles on this trip. Ebony is a professional, building off of years of experience in daycare centers back in high school, and is a natural mother--a mix of tenderness, respect, and discipline. Some of her best advice:

• Bedtime is at 7:00pm (7:30pm at the latest). This means she has cooked the kids' dinner, bathed them, and they've said prayers and are in bed. This leaves time for date night every night, which may consist of a separate grown up dinner for her and Alfred, or a movie night. These guys have the best nighttime ritual by far. After the children all say their prayers in unison, their silly parents breakout into a medley of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and other nursery school jams, complete with some soul clapping, beat-boxing, and an old school remix twist! It is the funniest and most unexpected thing to hear your friends doing through a baby monitor. The rendition ends with a short countdown of 3, 2, 1! And I promise you those kids stay in their beds and are down for the night. There are no fits, or manipulations to make mommy stay in the bed with them until they fall asleep, there are no tears. Only the Von Trapp family children could deliver a more soothing night-night departure, although I prefer the hugs and kisses of my beautiful god kids over that crooning bunch any day. They understand and appreciate that mommy and daddy need their alone time too, which leads to the next piece of advice.



• Respect: She maintains that she loves her children but she is not their best friend. She respects them and in return they respect her, when she and Alfred speak they listen, they don't talk back, and they are great about making eye contact to let them know mommy and daddy mean business.



• Spankings: I have to say that they have the most well behaved children I've ever seen at such a young age. And while Ebony happily accepts that compliment she is quick to say that she's had to spank them in the past to let them know she means business. During our 3 day visit I witnessed one such spanking with Mackenzie the 2 year-old, but it was literally a pat on the diaper (I had smacked her harder when we were playing around) and there were no tears accompanying the conversation about why she needed to listen to what mommy and daddy asked her not to do. I can't even remember her offense, and Ham was oblivious to the fact that a "whooping" had occurred. This was particularly relieving for me, I was spanked as a child and happen to believe that this will be a part of my own parenting strategy. But the truth is I don't have the heart for it and the idea of having to spank a rebellious child brings up fears of scarring a little person for life, and breaking their "will to power" (more on that later). However, in watching the Johnsons I saw that a spanking doesn't have to be painful, its more about setting a context which establishes that the children don't want a spanking in order for them to self correct their behavior.



• Practice! Ebony is unyeilding in her desire to have me join the mommy club (and have us living in central Missouri), and truth be told I think that we are almost ready to be parernts. Right now I consider myself a Prospect, gathering information and best practices, rocking badges of baby spit up from borrowed little people. Until Ham and I are ready to be some amazing little peoples' mommy and daddy though, Ebony advocates a regular practice routine. Her parting gift to us was an Ortho Evra pregnancy calendar that allows me to identify my missed periods, initial OB workups, weight of the baby by the week, all the way to the due date. It's small enough to tote with us so I may consider bringing this accessory along throughout our travels, although the idea of conceiving while coated in deet and on malaria tablets is plenty of contraception for now.



• Spirituality: Even at the tender age of 2 years-old Zachi was able to throw his hands in the air and tell you where God and Jesus reside. Little Malachi often shares his own theories of God, and the world and how many good people there are in it. Mackenzie in her husky vibrato can softly recite her prayers before every meal (although not as clearly as her brothers yet). A strong relationship with God has always been the center of Ebony and Alfred's relationship, and early on the synergy there has been comforting to me. While at Xavier they attended Rev. Pat and Tom Watson's premarital classes at Watson Memorial, their classmates were Tyra and Kyshun Webster, Ham's former boss and one of his closest friends. The Watsons married Ebony and Alfred, I held Zachi in my arms when he was baptized in their sanctuary. Ham has his own separate relationship with the Watsons, and while he's nowhere near declaring Jesus as his personal Lord and savior, he respects them as spiritual and community leaders.

Part of this trip for me is the exploration of a practice that fills the void that growing up without a strong religious practice has left. I have always identified with Christianity, I've been baptized, attended church sporadically throughout my lifetime, more engaged at certain stages in life than others. It is important to me as a parent to help my children to establish their own relationship with a higher power, one that gives them compassion, peace, and orients their moral compass. Ham and I don't really have any practices in place that achieves this or grounds our relationship. The closest thing might be the distinctions we've gotten from doing the work of Landmark Education, and while it is completely secular, it really has enabled me to see the God in everyone particularly myself and my power to create my world. This year long adventure of ours is a total creation.