Relationship Chronicles

While this journey is in many ways an outward one, there is no question that one of the greatest results of this year will be the strength of mine and Annette’s relationship. As one friend put it, it will be more joint decision-making than ever before. We will decide together on almost every step of our day, every day of our trip. It will also be an incredible and unique shared experience. We will rely solely on each other often, especially as we travel through countries where we don’t speak the language. The fact that we are an inter-racial couple may make for some interesting traveling. If nothing else, it will be an interesting lens to look through to explore race relations in the world. And we have added a camera and a laptop to our packing list to chronicle some of this. Carol Bebelle, one of our mentors in New Orleans, and founder of the Ashe Cultural Arts Center (http://www.ashecac.org/) asked us to use our blog to chronicle our relationship as it develops, not just the places we go, things we do, and our reflections about them. So, with some humility here is a first effort.

I have had an ongoing complaint with Annette that she doesn’t do a good job taking care of me when I need it. I have often argued that this is fundamental to our marriage and only exacerbated with my mom’s passing last year, as the primary person that played that role in my life is now gone. And in Annette’s mind, I am a bossy and demanding patient who will never let her get it right. Appropriately, it seems that I have been a patient with some ailment or another for the last month. On April 15th, I went through a surgery to clear and drain my sinuses. I went under general anesthesia for the first time I can remember. The recovery took several days more than I expected (and still continues today) and involved lots of mucus and blood. As I began to recover from my sinuses and breathe more easily (literally), I tackled Jazz Fest with all the vigor of a recently-unemployed guy with some of his best friends from college in town. By the end of Jazz Fest I could barely get out of bed due to pain in my lower back. I went through several self-diagnoses of the cause. First, it seemed to be that I went from a desk job where I primarily sit all day to standing and walking around at the festival all day. I wasn’t completely satisfied with that it seems that a 32-year-old, otherwise healthy body should have a bit more durability than that. Then, I wondered if it was psychosomatic. Perhaps this is a way my body manifests a continued grief for my mother as Mother’s Day comes (especially now that my sinuses which seemed to be the former location of my unexpressed grief have been cleared). Through all of this, I did little more than complain about my discomfort and grunt and grumble at my wife. And she responded appropriately with an occasional grumble back and mostly by just steering clear of me. This past Monday, we finally took the opportunity to share our complaints in front of an interested third party. After some conversation, it became clear that as long as I continue to complain that Annette doesn’t take care of me right, it will continue to be the case. It will keep us in a smoldering war where anytime I am in ill-health, I am on my own and upset with her and she is a frustrated and resigned caretaker who for the most part, takes her care elsewhere. So, I gave up the complaint to leave Annette free to take care of me however she takes care of me. Shortly after that, I was able to get advice on a good chiropractor and acupuncturist and schedule appointments for both. So, this past Wednesday, the day before we left New Orleans, was a day of being pampered. Annette joined me for a 3-hour acupuncture treatment. And then I had another hour with a chiropractor that evening. I left assured that my back would feel good again in no time and wouldn’t be a limiting factor (as I had begun to fear) for our travels. The experience has also provided me an opportunity to tune back into my physical body and health and to take greater responsibility for them. I have already resumed tai chi and qi gong practice which, after about six years of study, I haven’t done since I last left India in the summer of 2006.

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